My daughter Sarah, at the wise age of 12 years old, left a homemade book on my bed one day. Her father and I were recently separated and I had gathered a pile of parenting books around me on how to help my two daughters through divorce. She saw me devouring these books and one day decided to make her own. On the front of her little book it said, “Parenting Book”. Eager to hear her sage advice, I opened the cover and read her two simple words on one page, “Love Them”. My heart melted.

In talking with my now adult daughters, I’ve learned that some of my parenting style through the divorce and beyond apparently did not serve my girls as well as I thought. In fact, it hurt them in a few key ways. I had no idea. I thought I was doing a decent job given the challenges I faced during that period. Like many parents, I encouraged their independence and helped them to make healthy choices, provided a Waldolf-based education and lots of experiences for them to connect with nature, created work that allowed me to be at home, gave them “teenage” space, loved and encouraged them…..

Despite my many well intentioned efforts, it turns out there was a way my children felt the quality of attention I gave them somehow missed the mark. Perhaps I was too much in my head trying to figure it out and make it all work, missing a deeper heart-based attunement. Perhaps the feelings of guilt and fear I was experiencing post divorce kept me from being present to their pain. Perhaps, perhaps………

In truth, I felt very alone while single parenting, even though I had the support of friends and family. I have since realized how much my feelings of inadequacy and inner deficiency fueled that aloneness. Even deeper, I discovered a cauldron of unmet needs from my own childhood. Like many, my early models for bonding and nurturing were fractured. Reflecting back on those parenting years, I realize now I was operating from an empty cup. I sought wisdom in the pages of books because I lacked the inner support that would have provided trust in my own instincts and heart based attunement. In other words, I was coming more from my head. I suspect I am not alone in that experience.

It has only been recently that I have learned how to truly provide the long awaited nurturing, acceptance and love to myself. Now, my cup is finally filling up and, dare I say, overflowing at times!

As we examine our current parenting paradigms and its effects on our children, (after all, the proof is in the proverbial pudding), my hope is that we replace “prescriptive” parenting (think Spock) with “attuned” parenting allowing us to more fully “Love Them”. Women gathering and sharing in “virtual” villages such as this one are creating powerful vehicles to both shed old paradigms and anchor new ones. These are certainly exciting times!

Parenting is one of the most important, sacred opportunities, responsibilities and true joys in life. However, none of us get training on it beforehand! We need much support, understanding and guidance during these times. See: https://awakeningplanet.com/parenting/

My beautiful daughters, Katie and Sarah. 1992