As I finished reading the email, I felt a sense of dread. Our local ‘Health Care for All’ chapter was requesting my participation as a speaker for their upcoming event. Many years ago, despite my fear of public speaking, I made several presentations on their behalf. My deep concern for our broken health care system and passionate desire to adopt a universal health care system in the United States compelled me to work through and transform my fears into service.

However, during a television interview, some of my worst fears regarding public speaking were realized. Lights, camera, action….. Like a deer in the proverbial headlights….I…f..r..o..z..e.  It seemed like an eternity, but somehow my voice returned, and I made it through. But, the memory of this ‘bad dream’ scene flooded back and I shot back a knee jerk, fear based ‘thank you, but no thank you’ email to the HCA.

My sense of relief was short lived however when I received the chapter head’s all too quick response, “I remember you as being a really good speaker as well as Single Payer advocate. Any chance you’d reconsider?” Dang! As the days went by,  I found myself dropping into a more considered space. Was this an opportunity for me to address past fears? Was it a call to meet them so I could serve in more expanded ways in the world?

Breakthrough time!

Gathering my courage, I sent back a ‘will do’ email. Over the following days, I explored the deeper roots of my fears knowing there was more to this than the television interview. Childhood scenarios surfaced, the ones where I was my most passionate, exuberant, freely expressed self…..expression that often brought punishment. I shut down my true voice early on. My external critics morphed into internal ones. 

 I over-prepared for my talk. I found the endless rearranging of words producing more and more tension and stress in my body. Awareness dawned at a certain point, and I realized my inner critic was only trying to protect and keep me safe. With a gentle ‘thank you’ for the critic’s service,  I reminded myself that without restraint and judgement, this quite possibly could be a lot more fun! I put the notes down.

As I spoke to the darkened crowd, a sense of delight arose as I noticed words flowing effortlessly. Even on the heels of that positive experience   I found myself vowing ‘never again as I stepped off the stage, the sense of both accomplishment and relief flooding my system. Like a wink and chuckle, ‘not so quick’ response from the universe,  Sibyl’s invitation to come speak at the Wellness & Spirituality Expo in Mexico arrived the following day.

The timing was simply too perfect. Without hesitation I replied, ‘Will do!’

This article was published in the June, 2016 addition of SIBYL magazine.