My sweetheart and I were half way through our summer vacation road trip, camping in record breaking heat when we had our first “bobble”. Tired after a long day of hiking, we were attempting to discuss our different perspectives on an earlier event while settling into our tent. Somewhere in our discussion, we got off track and entered into an unproductive and divisive power struggle. I decided to take space.
As I stepped outside our tent, I was met by a glorious full moon lit summer solstice night which illuminated my way to a nearby meadow. I took in the stunning beauty of one of Mesa Verde’s rocky monoliths as I sat to meditate. Inner silence met outer silence as my nervous system relaxed and an inner spaciousness opened up.
As I opened my eyes coming out of meditation, I began inquiring into the nature of the evening’s conflict. I slowly dropped back into the sense of contraction I felt when I took a “position” and felt, however subtly, the need to be right. Right under the contraction I felt my fear of being diminished, small or insignificant. Deeper still was the feeling of deficiency and disempowerment. Childhood memories appeared like flash cards putting me directly in touch with the source. I realized that positioning in conflict provided a kind of temporary inflation and distraction from feeling these underlying uncomfortable feelings.
It helps to have healthy role models for communication and conflict resolution. Like many, I didn’t have them growing up. It would be many years and relationships later before I partnered with someone who modeled healthy communication and conflict resolution to me. Through his introduction to Marshall Rosenburg’s nonviolent communication techniques, I learned to effectively communicate difficult feelings, vulnerable needs and wants for the first time. NVC fostered the deepest trust I had ever experienced in relationship. By taking ownership for my experience on all levels, not only did I reestablish a sense of empowerment, it took me deeper into my Self. It placed the focus back inside (self responsible) rather than outside (judgement/blame).
Our journey toward and through the core of our ego wounding can be approached in many ways. The importance of communication with ourselves and others cannot be underestimated. It can turn walls into bridges, foster love out of fear, bring us closer to ourselves and others or lead us further away. We have an opportunity through our communication to create an empowering field in which we can collectively thrive.
I am not doing this communication thing perfectly. No one does. We all get off course. There is still much to learn. Forgiving ourselves and others as we take this imperfect human journey together, peeling back the unreal to reveal the real, soothing and loving ourselves when we make mistakes are all important.
I unzipped our tent to find my sweetheart sleeping. Knowing he was a student of NVC comforted and reassured me that we would successfully work this out in the morning.
This article was published in the August ,2016 issue of SIBYL magazine
